Deep down I always knew this day would come.. the fear of facing it had been lurking inside me since the day I found the courage to leave. My life had been so difficult for so long (over 15 years), dealing with it had become my comfort zone. I knew once all the bad, sad, tough stuff was gone so too would my safety net, my out, my excuse for not stepping up and creating a better life for us. No excuses now. Just me. My moment of truth. Holy crap!
I felt incredibly vulnerable, raw, naked, inadequate, scared and totally overwhelmed by the emptiness of my life and how I could ever possibly fill it with happiness again. I have never felt so alone. Do I have what it takes to do this on my own? What if I don't? What if I can't? What if, what if, what if??? Anxiety engulfed me. Suddenly I was back fighting for some sort of normal. Something to hold on to, a foothold to stop me from falling and never getting up again.
Enter Kelly Rae Roberts... an angel in the shape of an awesome artist and creative business woman with a truly beautiful soul. Once again the universe had thrown me the perfect life line at the perfect time.
Through Kelly Rae's wonderfully artful and inspiring teachings (Hello Soul Hello Mixed Media Mantras: Painting E Course) I learnt to let go of expectations, listen to my instincts, trust and believe in myself and the universe... there are no mistakes, this is my journey, I can do it. I am enough! By October the worst was behind me and I began to find myself again and truly believe in myself perhaps for the first time ever. And not just in my ability to be strong, to live with and overcome adversity (I had well and truly proven I could do that), but in my ability to live without it, to just be, to just breath and be happy today, and to just be me. Wow... how about that. Turns out I am enough. How good is that!
It's funny... today when I sat down I intended to write about my hopes and excitement for the year ahead, just as I did last year, and share some of my recent art. I don't know why I've ended up sharing the difficulties of my last year, I guess it's what needed to come out, like a cleansing to shake off the final remnants of a past life... it feels right, good. It's also shown me that regardless of our hopes and expectations for what lies ahead, life has a way of taking us where we most need to go. Hindsight can reveal the most perfect pathway if we're willing to look back and be grateful for both the good and the tough times... make the most of both, learn from them, trust and believe, then just let go and enjoy the ride.
Woohoooooo... I can do that, I am enough.